I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
