What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
How's work?
Spinning.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
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