I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
