farters have to be the big spoon...
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
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