There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
