I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize