New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
