Hey man sorry I got all grabby
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
