I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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