Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
