So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
