Im at strip club and am horny
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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