but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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