I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize