Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
