Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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