I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
