I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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