There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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