i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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