do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
