apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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