In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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