I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
