If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
