I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
