There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
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