i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
