one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
