my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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