I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
