On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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