Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
