Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
