Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
