I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
