I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
