You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize