When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
