In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize