I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
