Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
