it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
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