You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
