fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
