I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
