dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
pray to the hookup gods
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
