Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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