she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
