My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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