I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Also, beer. Big fan.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Randomize
