This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
