...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
