Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
