I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
