a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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