The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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