There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
