Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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