the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
i drank out of a bidet.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
