I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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