The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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