first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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