I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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