I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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