I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
